Friday, March 26, 2021

Day 26 #SOL21 Contemplating The Cost of Courage

                      

Like a battery drained in an instant, finding the courage to speak my truth depletes energy. I'm left swimming in a churning sea of self-doubt and uncertainty. Holding it in and remaining silent also comes at a high price. Most of the time it feels like a "damned if you do—damned if you don't" situation.

Today, after weeks of battling unhelpful mind-chatter, I attempted to address an emotionally charged issue with a colleague. It didn't go well. The experience still feels a bit too fresh to process, but I figured if I sat down to write, I might discover blind spots or unearth a lesson the universe is trying to teach me. 

At this exact moment, I regret the decision to wade into the muck. I didn't anticipate how quickly hope for a brighter future would dissipate. As defeated and despondent as I feel right now, the words of Brené Brown course through my brain like an electrical current. 


We humans are so freakin' complex and group dynamics are tricky. To make matters worse, we're trying to blaze a trail towards psychological safety on tiny squares across a screen. Quite frankly, I'm beginning to wonder if genuine trust can be built in the absence of proximity. I used to believe it could, but I'm starting to question my theories. I'm also in my feels, which often takes me offline from my prefrontal cortex. 

I think I will turn on the Hamilton soundtrack before my hubby and I head out to share a draft beer on patio somewhere. A little Vitamin D may be just what I need to recenter myself and move forward. 

3 comments:

  1. You are an exceptional writer and can express your thoughts so clearly. I get it. I've been there more times than I would like to admit! The balance between confrontation and holding it in is a tough one. But, I believe you need to release, even if it doesn't turn out great. It's healthier for you in the long run. I say, speak your mind with confidence, wear flats to work and enjoy the inspiring music of Hamilton!

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    1. Thank you Eva. Your words were just what I needed to hear in this exact moment.

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  2. I have to concur, you are an exceptional writer. “I'm beginning to wonder if genuine trust can be built in the absence of proximity.” Gosh, beautifully said and I sometimes have the same feelings. It ain’t easy. None of this. W/ vulnerability comes trust. You did the right thing- even if it became murky. Hope you’re relaxing, unwinding, maybe even forgetting for awhile. Xox

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