My husband, Chris, quickly picked up on my frantic pace and inability to sit still.
It's the second day of summer break, and Monday will be here before we know it. I feel a pressing urge to map out a daily schedule, make a to-do list, and fill up my calendar. The fear of blank days overwhelms and threatens to paralyze me. So I obsessively create tables like the one below.
7:00 - 7:05
Wake up and make coffee
7:05 - 7:15
Clear all notifications on my cell phone
7:15 - 7:45
Surf the web; Read Twitter Articles; Peruse Facebook; Enjoy the quiet and slow sip coffee
7:45 - 7:55
Attempt to mediate for 10 minutes
7:55 - 8:10
Brush teeth; put in contacts; throw hair in a ponytail; put on exercise clothes and tennis shoes
8:15 - 9:15
Walk @ Unicorn Lake/Treadmill (Visit w/Shannon or Chris; Listen to audiobooks or podcast)
Cool down; Drink water; Eat light breakfast
10:15 - 11:00
Blog; Journal; Write
11:00 - 12:00
Relax by the pool, tan, and read a fiction book
Afternoon & Evening
12:00 - 12:45
Prepare a healthy lunch and eat w/Chris
12:45 - 1:45
Power Hour: Complete tasks I avoid like making phone calls, paying bills, etc.
1:45 - 3:00
Read nonfiction books; Complete any curriculum writing or school tasks
3:00 - 4:30
4:30 - 5:00
5:00 - 6:30
Prepare dinner; Chat about our day; Eat, drink, and be merry
6:30 - 9:30
Flexible Time; Watch a Movie; Chill by the pool; Visit friends; Etc.
9:30 - 10:30
Read before bed
Go to sleep
If this were just a regular weekend, I could relax and enjoy the day. I'd take a walk, sneak in a nap, and leisurely read online. But no. The fear of slipping into bad habits gnaws at my subconscious, and I am terrified I will waste this opportunity to become better me. I blame Gretchen Rubin.
Clearly one of the habits I need to establish is meditation. As a previous counselor one said, "Tenille, you need to make nice with your anxiety." I have yet to achieve this seemingly impossible goal. I watched a YouTube video on How to Meditate this morning. I've accepted that forming this daily habit will help me calm down and learn to breathe, but I know it will take weeks and months of practice to quiet my overactive mind. To motivate myself, I plan to purchase a diffuser and yoga mat this afternoon.
I'm slowly coming to terms with the reality that I've got a slight case of what mental health professionals refer to as GAD, or Generalized Anxiety Disorder. According to WebMD, genetics, brain chemistry, and environmental factors play a part in the development of this affliction. Considering anxiety runs in my family, my thyroid antibodies are out of whack, and I clearly have too much free time in the summer, I'm going to have to bite the bullet and call a doctor.
I guess it will give me something to do, and I can add taking a pill to my habit list. Sometimes it's difficult to be me. I get on my own nerves, and I envy my husband who seems so chill and laid back. His recent surgery forced him to slow down, and a combination of age and medication help calm his overactive brain. I do not want to spend my summer feeling antsy, anxious, and annoyed, so during Monday's power hour I will make a phone call and set up an appointment. The time has come.