Sunday, June 5, 2016

Antsy, Anxious, and Annoyed

"You seem pretty keyed up this morning. You sure you're okay?"

My husband, Chris, quickly picked up on my frantic pace and inability to sit still. 

It's the second day of summer break, and Monday will be here before we know it. I feel a pressing urge to map out a daily schedule, make a to-do list, and fill up my calendar. The fear of blank days overwhelms and threatens to paralyze me. So I obsessively create tables like the one below.

7:00 - 7:05
Wake up and make coffee
7:05 - 7:15
Clear all notifications on my cell phone
7:15 - 7:45
Surf the web; Read Twitter Articles; Peruse Facebook; Enjoy the quiet and slow sip coffee
7:45 - 7:55
Attempt to mediate for 10 minutes
7:55 - 8:10
Brush teeth; put in contacts; throw hair in a ponytail; put on exercise clothes and tennis shoes
8:15 - 9:15
Walk @ Unicorn Lake/Treadmill (Visit w/Shannon or Chris; Listen to audiobooks or podcast)
9:15- 10:15
Cool down; Drink water; Eat light breakfast
10:15 - 11:00
Blog; Journal; Write
11:00 - 12:00
Relax by the pool, tan, and read a fiction book
Afternoon & Evening
12:00 - 12:45
Prepare a healthy lunch and eat w/Chris
12:45 - 1:45
Power Hour: Complete tasks I avoid like making phone calls, paying bills, etc.
1:45 - 3:00
Read nonfiction books; Complete any curriculum writing or school tasks
3:00 - 4:30
Free Time
4:30 - 5:00
5:00 - 6:30
Prepare dinner; Chat about our day; Eat, drink, and be merry
6:30 - 9:30
Flexible Time; Watch a Movie; Chill by the pool; Visit friends; Etc.
9:30 - 10:30
Read before bed
Go to sleep

If this were just a regular weekend, I could relax and enjoy the day. I'd take a walk, sneak in a nap, and leisurely read online. But no. The fear of slipping into bad habits gnaws at my subconscious, and I am terrified I will waste this opportunity to become better me. I blame Gretchen Rubin

Clearly one of the habits I need to establish is meditation. As a previous counselor one said, "Tenille, you need to make nice with your anxiety." I have yet to achieve this seemingly impossible goal. I watched a YouTube video on How to Meditate this morning. I've accepted that forming this daily habit will help me calm down and learn to breathe, but I know it will take weeks and months of practice to quiet my overactive mind. To motivate myself, I plan to purchase a diffuser and yoga mat this afternoon. 

I'm slowly coming to terms with the reality that I've got a slight case of what mental health professionals refer to as GAD, or Generalized Anxiety Disorder. According to WebMD, genetics, brain chemistry, and environmental factors play a part in the development of this affliction. Considering anxiety runs in my family, my thyroid antibodies are out of whack, and I clearly have too much free time in the summer, I'm going to have to bite the bullet and call a doctor.

I guess it will give me something to do, and I can add taking a pill to my habit list. Sometimes it's difficult to be me. I get on my own nerves, and I envy my husband who seems so chill and laid back. His recent surgery forced him to slow down, and a combination of age and medication help calm his overactive brain. I do not want to spend my summer feeling antsy, anxious, and annoyed, so during Monday's power hour I will make a phone call and set up an appointment. The time has come. 

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