Dear Divorce,
You've wreaked havoc on so many lives.You've also open doors to possibility and hope.
A divided sense of loyalty is your hallmark, and even after after ample time has passed, you continually perpetuate a lie, whispering to children, "You have to choose a side."
Competition and comparison are your first cousins. And rather than embrace an expansive, "There's room for all of us here!" narrative, you amplify smallness, vindictiveness, and pettiness. Because of you, hurt often wins over wholeness.
Yet, before I completely besmirch you, I have to applaud your existence. Without you, I wouldn't have learned that it's better to be from a broken home than to permanently live in one. The wounds of a loveless, unfulfilling marriage run deeper than any heartache you may cause.
The thing I despise most about you is how you grip tightly to past offenses, reducing human beings into villains and victims. Stories are never quite that simple, and people are complex. We are all made of strength and struggle, and it takes two to tango. However, your uncanny knack for clouding perspectives blinds us to truth.
Breaking up a family when children are involved is akin to pulling bones out of your body while you are simultaneously growing them. The excruciating pain of the divorce lingers, destabilizing and threatening the wellbeing of our offspring for generations to come.
However, there is light and redemption available. Years ago, when Chris and I first married, a wise young man said these profound words when asked what wisdom he could offer to help our kids navigate the rocky path of blending families. I should've stitched this shit on a pillow.
"Your kids need you to grow the fuck up. Be the adults so they can be children."Our kids are now adults. For over fifteen years, we've done our damndest to take the high road. We wanted to rewrite the story in a way that honored our children's struggles, alleviating false allegiances which serve no one. We paid for their therapy, hoping they'd be able to smooth out the wrinkles you stamped on their hearts. We did our very best, but you still reared your ugly head.
I want to be pissed at you, but in many ways I feel indebted to you. You taught me how important is is to tell our truth and fully accept ourselves. Because of you, I've learned how to lean into discomfort and explore a wealth of complicated emotions. Despite your deep desire to divide and destroy, genuine love and joyful memories are the byproducts of your existence.
I'm grateful for you, divorce. Thanks for teaching me that trust is still within reach. You're both a blessing and a curse, a constellation that serves as a map of where I've been, how I got here, and where I wish to go in the days and years to come.
Much of what you have written about divorce resonates so much with me, as I am divorced, remarried, and trying to avoid another divorce. Two lines from your Slice for which I am grateful: 1. "...it's better to be from a broken home than to permanently live in one." 2. "Your kids need you to grow the fuck up. Be the adults so they can be children." - I wish I had met this wise person years ago.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing.
Thank you for your honest and your truth. Taking the high road is hard, but feels better than throwing that ex under a proverbial bus. Thanks to divorce, I rediscovered who I am -who I was always supposed to be, but couldn't be when I was married. And in some ways it was easier that my kids were older, and in some ways harder. Did us staying together too long leave lasting damage? I don't know. It did on me, even though ours wasn't a "bad" marriage, more of an indifferent one. Yes, it takes two to make it work and it takes two to try to save it. I had to give up... I guess time will tell what effect it has had on my kids. Again, thank you for sharing today!
ReplyDeleteWow - so much in this post. I love the point of view - how you talk directly to divorce. I think everyone has to grow up through difficult things - no one and nothing is perfect. I think it is better to be honest than to have everyone live through unhappiness day after day. Kids are smart -- they know what is going on. Thank you for your honesty.
ReplyDeleteDivorce is a thief, and a sore loser as well as a sore winner. And no one wins. But then there are all those other pieces you mentioned. I would also say, rebirth. I came out not knowing who I was by myself. But I found freedom in that.
ReplyDeleteThank you for this remarkable perspective-taking post, speaking directly to divorce as its own thing. Perhaps you've inspired me to have a sit-down, heart-to-heart conversation with marriage. As someone who has called herself, the best ex anyone could hope for, so much of what you write and wrestle with here resonates.
ReplyDeleteBy treating divorce as a person, you have assigned it the complexity it deserves. And you have addressed the multifaceted nature of divorce with great depth and wisdom. I am not divorced, but watched my sister and my parents live through, so this resonated with me.
ReplyDeleteI love how you wrote this letter. Divorce was the worst and best thing that has happened to me! It was something I never wanted , but probably something I really needed to find my strength and myself. I do have children and decided that they were more important that any fight I could win, any money we deserve. I have avoided conflict, been in uncomfortable situations, and remained friends with an ex-husband that didn't deserve my friendship. All of this, so hopefully I can raise well-adjusted kids, who realize that so many people love them....even through divorce.
ReplyDeleteI don't have the words to explain how much I appreciate this. The form alone was super useful in an exploratory sense. I've been talking about how our relationships are ever evolving and the English language doesn't have the words to describe it - because we live in these binaries. You're either divorced or not, separated or not. The truth is, our relationships are always in process. Why is divorce so stigmatized? But then the line about bones out of your body when they're still growing. And kids knowing unhappiness anyway. It's so complex, why doesn't our language serve it better? The nuances are never contained by simple labels.
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